birthday..wat?

hmm..nothing interesting is all i could say..birthday passed with little significant events..sent to sch..studied..ran errands..trained..yeah..that's about it..shall we celebrate?

yeah..i'm 18..but so wat? one more year on the walk towards the grave..added responsibility..added risk..i haven't had a sip of alcohol since i turned 18..was spose to last night..went for a swim with the fren i once disowned..but before we could break out the drinks..mum calls and says "please come home" in that way that u know she'll get fucking pissed and super hysterical if i dont..no good for anyone..least of all lil OLD me..

last night, tuesday..not my birthday..was actually one of the better ways to 'celebrate' my birthday..there were no happy birthdays, no cake no drink nothing..thx mum..but still...being with that friend..reali made me think about somethings that i guess i should be thinking about as i get older..as i turn 18..oh well...i wish i could be madly in love with her..i wish i could...but somethings are just not worth risking..i already have quite a good friendship with her..and i dun wana lose that by introducing a whole new dimension to the relationship just yet..maybe one day in the distant future..not now...

what a disappointment..oh welll

that's a birthday for u..happy birthday to me...as happy as happy can get..

birthday coming soon

who cares? who cares? who cares?

its one of the questions we can ask our selves each day..and yet..at the end of a lifetime...may never find the answer, and although some may say..my employer will care (about my grades) or my parents will care ( about our behavious) it still leaves me to question..at the end of the day, why is it that stuff that i enjoy doing seldom means anything to any one?

call me violent or oppressive or delusional or immature..but fighting is not just what i do best..but what i love to do...there's an inborn satisfaction that i derive from defeating an opponent..and i've yet to figure out what purpose my talent for such destructive capability or martial skill is to serve..not just from my own perspective but in the perspective of the grand design that exists somewhere out there..in essence...i'm reali asking myself...who cares?

who cares if i can beat a reali strong opponent..or crush those who would bully my friends? who cares if i outwardly proclaim that training gives me a sense of self worth, grounded in the power i possess? and who would care if i was honest and went up to them and said..i wish there were more fights in singapore..cuz its getting too boring it's sad?

no one would care..

so at the end of the day..what do i keep fighting for? i fight because i love to, and to hell if no body cares. no one is going to stop me from training or from tryin. i'm going to prove to myself that i can be the best in something because i want to be...

people ask me why, i keep going back to fight.
i wouldn't stop doing something i loved doin right?
read a blog of an old friend who now hates me, she doesn't know
but as i read the words she wrote, then i began to grow
to realise that its not worth hanging on to the questions
cuz the answers will come in time, and all u need is patience.
don't ask urself the purpose, or the reason why
the answer will only become more elusive, the harder that u try.
for the things that reali matter, that come from inside ur heart,
will only show its purpose if u bothered to start
doing what u like to do and not ask the reason why.
not doing what u like to do is telling ur self a lie.
i'm not gona stop doin and we'll see how i fare
cuz i'm no longer gona ask, who the f***ing hell cares.

disown

a friend, i just realised, has lied.

should have realised it on sunday..only realised it last night..nice fireworks, right, ginga? i hope the ghosts found some other soul tastier than urs..if anyone hurts you..i want it to be me.

3weeks to go

its strange, how many of my posts are defined by the time of the year i write them...and how far apart these entries seem to be...its been a long time since i've done anything to my blog..apart from visiting it occasionally..

why am i bloggin al of a sudden now, some may ask? quite a number of things reali..and everytime i do write something down..there are great issues to be discussed at hand..some blogs record ppl's everyday life.. "wat did i do yesterday?", or "what should i do tomorrow?" but being the deep thinker that i have been cursed to be..such things seem trivial, when matched with the ideas and issues that run through a person's head.

so what's first? how about the meaning of life? sounds like a general paper essay question doesn't it? hopefully though,i never follow the footsteps of LCS..but besides that..what reali am i on earth for? what am i living for?

after so many years of indoctrination..of going to church and stuff...the first thought that comes to mind is that i should be living for god..wait..sorry..it's "God" and not "god"...but over the past few years have begun to question what exactly that means..as well as whether or not i really want to be part of that faith which, to me, seems sodistant, so untangible. Years ago i got hurt, leaving a scar which, from time to time, still opens up within the depths of my heart.. and since then..i have experienced nothing but pain with every relationship i get into..no matter how it turns out..good or bad. and as i questioned what my purpose was on this earth, in the light of that particular event, the answers seemed so clear..that my sole purpose for existing on earth, was to help others through sacrifice..according to the will of God. i brought her to christ, ultimately at the cost of my own soul...one life won..one life lost..wonder if the angels are having a hard time deciding if they should celebrate over the gain, mourn the loss..or merely go about the rest of eternity...do i want this to be my sole purpose in life? the main reason that i live? selfish as it may sound..why do i have to be the one to hurt..to help others? i haven't been that successful in recent months..but i don't think the purpose has changed much..and noble as it is to sacrifice for another's well being..i can't help but wonder where the sense of satisfaction over doing something good has gone.

what about friends? can i live for friends? no problem with ian and sherman, if it comes down to it i'm even willing to die for the two of them..greatest friends i've ever had in my whole life..but since the probability of having to take a bullet for them is quite low..i wonder about my other friends..wonder exactly what friends are..recently (with recent being over the past 3 months) i conferred 'best friend status' on another, this time a girl..and truely if i think i about it..she is the best out of all my friends..losing only to ian and sherman in terms of importance.but that friendship is pretty queer..we don't talk much..there are always long periods of silence between us..and given the fact that she also called me one of her best friends..i'm wondering if that's her definition of it. because in all honesty..sometimes it feels as if she's never around..like she doesn't even exist..and if she's one of my best friends already..what about the rest of my friends..yeah..i see them in sch..yeah we're on good terms with each other..but what's beyond that? surely friendship isn't just merely being acquaintances..and if right now..i question my friendship with my best friend..what does it say about the friendship i have with my other friends? can i live for people with whom i can't talk to openly? or people i can't entertain cuz i'm financially incapable of doing so? ultimately, if i find a friendship which exist purely because we care for each other, and not for shared interests or hobbies, then i would live my life for that person..be arnd because i know there's some one i care for who cares for me as well..but can i really find that person? to be honest...i haven't found him ( or her) yet..ian and sherman are pretty independent..so ey dun reali need me arnd..we're buddies who go a long way back... to jing, i miss you.. to the rest of my friends..where are you?

how about family? gee that's a given...be arnd for my siblings, for my parents...easier said than felt..i mean...i do help my brother wen he's got bully problem..teach him how to deal with it..sis doesn't have much for me to help with..so.......dad and mum don't relai tell me alot of things..so there's nothing much i can do besides study...which honestly speakin..gets super boring...so even though i do wana have my family as one of my priorities..its hard..like throwing a ball which doesn't exist, or tryin to hit one that's made of air..

currently i consider myself single..even though officially i'm attached..effectively though..i wonder where that relationship is going to go too...its lost its purpose reali..and the one whom i like right now...i don't wana get too close to...i dun trust myself..

so what's the purpose of my life? i have no idea...the most i can say is...i wish i was programmable..but someone as rebellious and foolhardy as i...am probly never going to be as obedient as i know i ought to be..

an eventful day...

i'm supposed to finishing yoong's history essay right now..but the feelings inside me have become to much to bear, that i have to put them down somewhere..even though it is a public blog and all the people who thrive on other ppl's misfortunes are probly gona read this just for kicks when they get a rare notification that i've updated my blog.

today was good...but the sick feeling in my stomach has spoilt, in a way, the second half of my day completely...its a sickening feeling..one i have no idea why i want to feel...yet definately want it never to go away. its C (name witheld for sensitive reasons). C was my first..and i guess that's why i'm feeling this way..

ppl say you never forget your first, that deep down inside ur heart, there's a place for your first. how true those words are..how long has it been since she left me? 5 years...and yet today the sight of her got my stomach churning..what do people call it? butterflies in your stomach? why? after 5yrs and changing so many times does she affect me this way? why is it that the mere sight of her makes me feel so nervous..so excited..and yet..so afraid...

i'm gona sound like a maniac..if i haven't already..but she's absolutely gorgeous..well..in my opinion...though she is quite skinny compared to wen i last saw her..freaked me out a little wen i saw she was carryin a study guide to SATs..but come to think of it..that's how she's always been..ambitious..determined..goal oriented...i know this might probably be a one off thing that happens everytime i see her and never else during my day to day activities, but i have to get it off my chest..she is beautiful...

oh well..its a one off thing...yes..its a one off thing...you shouldn't be thinking about this, get back to work james! be an insane little man and do ur homework..hai...yes, conscience...