3weeks to go
its strange, how many of my posts are defined by the time of the year i write them...and how far apart these entries seem to be...its been a long time since i've done anything to my blog..apart from visiting it occasionally..
why am i bloggin al of a sudden now, some may ask? quite a number of things reali..and everytime i do write something down..there are great issues to be discussed at hand..some blogs record ppl's everyday life.. "wat did i do yesterday?", or "what should i do tomorrow?" but being the deep thinker that i have been cursed to be..such things seem trivial, when matched with the ideas and issues that run through a person's head.
so what's first? how about the meaning of life? sounds like a general paper essay question doesn't it? hopefully though,i never follow the footsteps of LCS..but besides that..what reali am i on earth for? what am i living for?
after so many years of indoctrination..of going to church and stuff...the first thought that comes to mind is that i should be living for god..wait..sorry..it's "God" and not "god"...but over the past few years have begun to question what exactly that means..as well as whether or not i really want to be part of that faith which, to me, seems sodistant, so untangible. Years ago i got hurt, leaving a scar which, from time to time, still opens up within the depths of my heart.. and since then..i have experienced nothing but pain with every relationship i get into..no matter how it turns out..good or bad. and as i questioned what my purpose was on this earth, in the light of that particular event, the answers seemed so clear..that my sole purpose for existing on earth, was to help others through sacrifice..according to the will of God. i brought her to christ, ultimately at the cost of my own soul...one life won..one life lost..wonder if the angels are having a hard time deciding if they should celebrate over the gain, mourn the loss..or merely go about the rest of eternity...do i want this to be my sole purpose in life? the main reason that i live? selfish as it may sound..why do i have to be the one to hurt..to help others? i haven't been that successful in recent months..but i don't think the purpose has changed much..and noble as it is to sacrifice for another's well being..i can't help but wonder where the sense of satisfaction over doing something good has gone.
what about friends? can i live for friends? no problem with ian and sherman, if it comes down to it i'm even willing to die for the two of them..greatest friends i've ever had in my whole life..but since the probability of having to take a bullet for them is quite low..i wonder about my other friends..wonder exactly what friends are..recently (with recent being over the past 3 months) i conferred 'best friend status' on another, this time a girl..and truely if i think i about it..she is the best out of all my friends..losing only to ian and sherman in terms of importance.but that friendship is pretty queer..we don't talk much..there are always long periods of silence between us..and given the fact that she also called me one of her best friends..i'm wondering if that's her definition of it. because in all honesty..sometimes it feels as if she's never around..like she doesn't even exist..and if she's one of my best friends already..what about the rest of my friends..yeah..i see them in sch..yeah we're on good terms with each other..but what's beyond that? surely friendship isn't just merely being acquaintances..and if right now..i question my friendship with my best friend..what does it say about the friendship i have with my other friends? can i live for people with whom i can't talk to openly? or people i can't entertain cuz i'm financially incapable of doing so? ultimately, if i find a friendship which exist purely because we care for each other, and not for shared interests or hobbies, then i would live my life for that person..be arnd because i know there's some one i care for who cares for me as well..but can i really find that person? to be honest...i haven't found him ( or her) yet..ian and sherman are pretty independent..so ey dun reali need me arnd..we're buddies who go a long way back... to jing, i miss you.. to the rest of my friends..where are you?
how about family? gee that's a given...be arnd for my siblings, for my parents...easier said than felt..i mean...i do help my brother wen he's got bully problem..teach him how to deal with it..sis doesn't have much for me to help with..so.......dad and mum don't relai tell me alot of things..so there's nothing much i can do besides study...which honestly speakin..gets super boring...so even though i do wana have my family as one of my priorities..its hard..like throwing a ball which doesn't exist, or tryin to hit one that's made of air..
currently i consider myself single..even though officially i'm attached..effectively though..i wonder where that relationship is going to go too...its lost its purpose reali..and the one whom i like right now...i don't wana get too close to...i dun trust myself..
so what's the purpose of my life? i have no idea...the most i can say is...i wish i was programmable..but someone as rebellious and foolhardy as i...am probly never going to be as obedient as i know i ought to be..
why am i bloggin al of a sudden now, some may ask? quite a number of things reali..and everytime i do write something down..there are great issues to be discussed at hand..some blogs record ppl's everyday life.. "wat did i do yesterday?", or "what should i do tomorrow?" but being the deep thinker that i have been cursed to be..such things seem trivial, when matched with the ideas and issues that run through a person's head.
so what's first? how about the meaning of life? sounds like a general paper essay question doesn't it? hopefully though,i never follow the footsteps of LCS..but besides that..what reali am i on earth for? what am i living for?
after so many years of indoctrination..of going to church and stuff...the first thought that comes to mind is that i should be living for god..wait..sorry..it's "God" and not "god"...but over the past few years have begun to question what exactly that means..as well as whether or not i really want to be part of that faith which, to me, seems sodistant, so untangible. Years ago i got hurt, leaving a scar which, from time to time, still opens up within the depths of my heart.. and since then..i have experienced nothing but pain with every relationship i get into..no matter how it turns out..good or bad. and as i questioned what my purpose was on this earth, in the light of that particular event, the answers seemed so clear..that my sole purpose for existing on earth, was to help others through sacrifice..according to the will of God. i brought her to christ, ultimately at the cost of my own soul...one life won..one life lost..wonder if the angels are having a hard time deciding if they should celebrate over the gain, mourn the loss..or merely go about the rest of eternity...do i want this to be my sole purpose in life? the main reason that i live? selfish as it may sound..why do i have to be the one to hurt..to help others? i haven't been that successful in recent months..but i don't think the purpose has changed much..and noble as it is to sacrifice for another's well being..i can't help but wonder where the sense of satisfaction over doing something good has gone.
what about friends? can i live for friends? no problem with ian and sherman, if it comes down to it i'm even willing to die for the two of them..greatest friends i've ever had in my whole life..but since the probability of having to take a bullet for them is quite low..i wonder about my other friends..wonder exactly what friends are..recently (with recent being over the past 3 months) i conferred 'best friend status' on another, this time a girl..and truely if i think i about it..she is the best out of all my friends..losing only to ian and sherman in terms of importance.but that friendship is pretty queer..we don't talk much..there are always long periods of silence between us..and given the fact that she also called me one of her best friends..i'm wondering if that's her definition of it. because in all honesty..sometimes it feels as if she's never around..like she doesn't even exist..and if she's one of my best friends already..what about the rest of my friends..yeah..i see them in sch..yeah we're on good terms with each other..but what's beyond that? surely friendship isn't just merely being acquaintances..and if right now..i question my friendship with my best friend..what does it say about the friendship i have with my other friends? can i live for people with whom i can't talk to openly? or people i can't entertain cuz i'm financially incapable of doing so? ultimately, if i find a friendship which exist purely because we care for each other, and not for shared interests or hobbies, then i would live my life for that person..be arnd because i know there's some one i care for who cares for me as well..but can i really find that person? to be honest...i haven't found him ( or her) yet..ian and sherman are pretty independent..so ey dun reali need me arnd..we're buddies who go a long way back... to jing, i miss you.. to the rest of my friends..where are you?
how about family? gee that's a given...be arnd for my siblings, for my parents...easier said than felt..i mean...i do help my brother wen he's got bully problem..teach him how to deal with it..sis doesn't have much for me to help with..so.......dad and mum don't relai tell me alot of things..so there's nothing much i can do besides study...which honestly speakin..gets super boring...so even though i do wana have my family as one of my priorities..its hard..like throwing a ball which doesn't exist, or tryin to hit one that's made of air..
currently i consider myself single..even though officially i'm attached..effectively though..i wonder where that relationship is going to go too...its lost its purpose reali..and the one whom i like right now...i don't wana get too close to...i dun trust myself..
so what's the purpose of my life? i have no idea...the most i can say is...i wish i was programmable..but someone as rebellious and foolhardy as i...am probly never going to be as obedient as i know i ought to be..
posted by diego at 4:49 PM
1 Comments:
took me a long while to get to this post, but hell yeah, sherm and i love ya man. heh. either way, independant as we can be, we still need you around. life just won't be the same without you. I know mine won't be. heh, if i were that independant, i wouldn't have to keep calling you whem my head's under the water, yea? cheer up bro. we'll always be here for you.
oh, and i'd take that bullet for you too, if it comes to it. =)
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