The game Inside and Outside

birthday..wat?

2006-09-06T11:39:00.000+08:00

hmm..nothing interesting is all i could say..birthday passed with little significant events..sent to sch..studied..ran errands..trained..yeah..that's about it..shall we celebrate?

yeah..i'm 18..but so wat? one more year on the walk towards the grave..added responsibility..added risk..i haven't had a sip of alcohol since i turned 18..was spose to last night..went for a swim with the fren i once disowned..but before we could break out the drinks..mum calls and says "please come home" in that way that u know she'll get fucking pissed and super hysterical if i dont..no good for anyone..least of all lil OLD me..

last night, tuesday..not my birthday..was actually one of the better ways to 'celebrate' my birthday..there were no happy birthdays, no cake no drink nothing..thx mum..but still...being with that friend..reali made me think about somethings that i guess i should be thinking about as i get older..as i turn 18..oh well...i wish i could be madly in love with her..i wish i could...but somethings are just not worth risking..i already have quite a good friendship with her..and i dun wana lose that by introducing a whole new dimension to the relationship just yet..maybe one day in the distant future..not now...

what a disappointment..oh welll

that's a birthday for u..happy birthday to me...as happy as happy can get..

birthday coming soon

2006-09-02T13:45:00.000+08:00

who cares? who cares? who cares?

its one of the questions we can ask our selves each day..and yet..at the end of a lifetime...may never find the answer, and although some may say..my employer will care (about my grades) or my parents will care ( about our behavious) it still leaves me to question..at the end of the day, why is it that stuff that i enjoy doing seldom means anything to any one?

call me violent or oppressive or delusional or immature..but fighting is not just what i do best..but what i love to do...there's an inborn satisfaction that i derive from defeating an opponent..and i've yet to figure out what purpose my talent for such destructive capability or martial skill is to serve..not just from my own perspective but in the perspective of the grand design that exists somewhere out there..in essence...i'm reali asking myself...who cares?

who cares if i can beat a reali strong opponent..or crush those who would bully my friends? who cares if i outwardly proclaim that training gives me a sense of self worth, grounded in the power i possess? and who would care if i was honest and went up to them and said..i wish there were more fights in singapore..cuz its getting too boring it's sad?

no one would care..

so at the end of the day..what do i keep fighting for? i fight because i love to, and to hell if no body cares. no one is going to stop me from training or from tryin. i'm going to prove to myself that i can be the best in something because i want to be...

people ask me why, i keep going back to fight.
i wouldn't stop doing something i loved doin right?
read a blog of an old friend who now hates me, she doesn't know
but as i read the words she wrote, then i began to grow
to realise that its not worth hanging on to the questions
cuz the answers will come in time, and all u need is patience.
don't ask urself the purpose, or the reason why
the answer will only become more elusive, the harder that u try.
for the things that reali matter, that come from inside ur heart,
will only show its purpose if u bothered to start
doing what u like to do and not ask the reason why.
not doing what u like to do is telling ur self a lie.
i'm not gona stop doin and we'll see how i fare
cuz i'm no longer gona ask, who the f***ing hell cares.

disown

2006-08-09T16:35:00.000+08:00

a friend, i just realised, has lied.

should have realised it on sunday..only realised it last night..nice fireworks, right, ginga? i hope the ghosts found some other soul tastier than urs..if anyone hurts you..i want it to be me.

3weeks to go

2006-08-05T16:49:00.000+08:00

its strange, how many of my posts are defined by the time of the year i write them...and how far apart these entries seem to be...its been a long time since i've done anything to my blog..apart from visiting it occasionally..

why am i bloggin al of a sudden now, some may ask? quite a number of things reali..and everytime i do write something down..there are great issues to be discussed at hand..some blogs record ppl's everyday life.. "wat did i do yesterday?", or "what should i do tomorrow?" but being the deep thinker that i have been cursed to be..such things seem trivial, when matched with the ideas and issues that run through a person's head.

so what's first? how about the meaning of life? sounds like a general paper essay question doesn't it? hopefully though,i never follow the footsteps of LCS..but besides that..what reali am i on earth for? what am i living for?

after so many years of indoctrination..of going to church and stuff...the first thought that comes to mind is that i should be living for god..wait..sorry..it's "God" and not "god"...but over the past few years have begun to question what exactly that means..as well as whether or not i really want to be part of that faith which, to me, seems sodistant, so untangible. Years ago i got hurt, leaving a scar which, from time to time, still opens up within the depths of my heart.. and since then..i have experienced nothing but pain with every relationship i get into..no matter how it turns out..good or bad. and as i questioned what my purpose was on this earth, in the light of that particular event, the answers seemed so clear..that my sole purpose for existing on earth, was to help others through sacrifice..according to the will of God. i brought her to christ, ultimately at the cost of my own soul...one life won..one life lost..wonder if the angels are having a hard time deciding if they should celebrate over the gain, mourn the loss..or merely go about the rest of eternity...do i want this to be my sole purpose in life? the main reason that i live? selfish as it may sound..why do i have to be the one to hurt..to help others? i haven't been that successful in recent months..but i don't think the purpose has changed much..and noble as it is to sacrifice for another's well being..i can't help but wonder where the sense of satisfaction over doing something good has gone.

what about friends? can i live for friends? no problem with ian and sherman, if it comes down to it i'm even willing to die for the two of them..greatest friends i've ever had in my whole life..but since the probability of having to take a bullet for them is quite low..i wonder about my other friends..wonder exactly what friends are..recently (with recent being over the past 3 months) i conferred 'best friend status' on another, this time a girl..and truely if i think i about it..she is the best out of all my friends..losing only to ian and sherman in terms of importance.but that friendship is pretty queer..we don't talk much..there are always long periods of silence between us..and given the fact that she also called me one of her best friends..i'm wondering if that's her definition of it. because in all honesty..sometimes it feels as if she's never around..like she doesn't even exist..and if she's one of my best friends already..what about the rest of my friends..yeah..i see them in sch..yeah we're on good terms with each other..but what's beyond that? surely friendship isn't just merely being acquaintances..and if right now..i question my friendship with my best friend..what does it say about the friendship i have with my other friends? can i live for people with whom i can't talk to openly? or people i can't entertain cuz i'm financially incapable of doing so? ultimately, if i find a friendship which exist purely because we care for each other, and not for shared interests or hobbies, then i would live my life for that person..be arnd because i know there's some one i care for who cares for me as well..but can i really find that person? to be honest...i haven't found him ( or her) yet..ian and sherman are pretty independent..so ey dun reali need me arnd..we're buddies who go a long way back... to jing, i miss you.. to the rest of my friends..where are you?

how about family? gee that's a given...be arnd for my siblings, for my parents...easier said than felt..i mean...i do help my brother wen he's got bully problem..teach him how to deal with it..sis doesn't have much for me to help with..so.......dad and mum don't relai tell me alot of things..so there's nothing much i can do besides study...which honestly speakin..gets super boring...so even though i do wana have my family as one of my priorities..its hard..like throwing a ball which doesn't exist, or tryin to hit one that's made of air..

currently i consider myself single..even though officially i'm attached..effectively though..i wonder where that relationship is going to go too...its lost its purpose reali..and the one whom i like right now...i don't wana get too close to...i dun trust myself..

so what's the purpose of my life? i have no idea...the most i can say is...i wish i was programmable..but someone as rebellious and foolhardy as i...am probly never going to be as obedient as i know i ought to be..

an eventful day...

2006-05-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

i'm supposed to finishing yoong's history essay right now..but the feelings inside me have become to much to bear, that i have to put them down somewhere..even though it is a public blog and all the people who thrive on other ppl's misfortunes are probly gona read this just for kicks when they get a rare notification that i've updated my blog.

today was good...but the sick feeling in my stomach has spoilt, in a way, the second half of my day completely...its a sickening feeling..one i have no idea why i want to feel...yet definately want it never to go away. its C (name witheld for sensitive reasons). C was my first..and i guess that's why i'm feeling this way..

ppl say you never forget your first, that deep down inside ur heart, there's a place for your first. how true those words are..how long has it been since she left me? 5 years...and yet today the sight of her got my stomach churning..what do people call it? butterflies in your stomach? why? after 5yrs and changing so many times does she affect me this way? why is it that the mere sight of her makes me feel so nervous..so excited..and yet..so afraid...

i'm gona sound like a maniac..if i haven't already..but she's absolutely gorgeous..well..in my opinion...though she is quite skinny compared to wen i last saw her..freaked me out a little wen i saw she was carryin a study guide to SATs..but come to think of it..that's how she's always been..ambitious..determined..goal oriented...i know this might probably be a one off thing that happens everytime i see her and never else during my day to day activities, but i have to get it off my chest..she is beautiful...

oh well..its a one off thing...yes..its a one off thing...you shouldn't be thinking about this, get back to work james! be an insane little man and do ur homework..hai...yes, conscience...

After so long...

2006-04-10T11:51:00.000+08:00

ok..so now i'm sitting in the middle of the library..and under the mindless pressures of some of my peers i shant name and out of a lack of anything better to do (damn this stupid break..and the stupid math lesson later) i shall blog yet again..has it been a month yet? probly..probly not..such trivial things probly don't matter to the few individuals who actually look at my blog...

anyway...let's see what has been happening..jus sent in my application for the Youth Avenue seminar at RJC this coming week i think..not sure exactly when it is..but it includes lots of dun stuff..so i'm jus going to spend a nice weekend relaxing..if doing outdoor activities and debating issues are ur idea of relaxation...

haha..jus to chide ppl..let me jus say that there's something i reali can't stand about the PRC scholars in our sch...and vanessa will definately agree with me.. I know we open our computers to ur use..and u have some sort of right based in some unknown part of the constitution to format the computer to suite ur surfing of chinese sites and even enable u to type in chinese characters on our computers..i'm all fine with allowing u to do that..only as long as u inconsiderate little bastards can at least return the computer to its original operating condition..where the keyboard types letters and not chinese characters...and where any international site we go to ends up in a page full of simplified chinese characters..please..some consideration here people...basket...

alrite..what else..taking brazilian jiu jitsu now..though without capoeira cuz my funds are seriously strained..still have to get jing er her super ex jacket..not even sure what for..hai...anyway..her birthday is coming soon and so is Jemie's so i'm going to be reali busy hosting one party and organising another...oh well...

had a performance in taka yest...i'm surprised that after spending abt a month away from capoeira, my game has actually improved..mostly cuz BJJ has taught me how to see openings..so nice to jus duck and smile at the person while he tries so hard to kick u..oh well..poor souls jus get unlucky..

alright..so in conclusion..damnit...return this com to its original operating conditing u bloody asses...the world doesn't revolve around u...whether or not ur the minority or the majority...

its official...

2006-02-17T22:05:00.000+08:00

ok..before i start on this one..let me just say to the passerby, that i in no way feel that a relationship is about these things only...and that i'm not superficial...a little light hearted humour would do you well...especially the part about learning to appreciate it...

alright..so lets see...i'v been talkin to sammie quite alot, no, not sam yee, or sam ong, or any other sam..but sammie farrell...a wonderful girl from the united kingdom..quite a nice girl to talk to but...the time differnece and the physical seperations makes calling her a huge chore..especially wen the bills are expensive and her time runs 8hours behind mine..poor girl got dumped by her bf on vday...what a wonderful thing for her bf to do...but i guess they got what they deserved..'most guys in birmingham are jerks who only want sex' -Sammie.

hopefully...we singaporeans are so un-cultured in our pursuit for our base desires...

well sammie baby..as long as i can continue to keep that smile on ur face..i always will...looking forward to seeing you in december...

don't feel bad this vday....

2006-02-11T13:51:00.000+08:00

hey..to all the guys out there who may or may not read this pathetic blog...here's a few reasons from my good friend rogue on why you shouldn't feel bad about not having a date..in fact...rejoice...cuz singlehood is probly the best thing to happen to you...here's why...the good points why not to get a girl are...

- they are high mantainance (2 movie tickets + snacks + watever shit = broke)(go buy an mp3 player or something)

- they are alergic to the sun (must do things where there is aircon.. eg. shopping)

- they can't play sports (and we'll prob die of laughter if they try to)

- kayaking, windsurfing, rock climbing are def out (i just had a manicure, can't get tan, or watever)

- they wun know the diff between a wraith band and a rune bracer

- they dun care wat the regen rate of the silencer is

- bring them to the gym, they'll use the trademill, set at 3km per hour, stroll for 20 min, then declare "i feel so fit' (pls la, u burn more in one shopping spree, let me use it to run man)

- discuss muscle groups, and they'll think your're ego, or a freak or just showing off

- tell a dirty joke, swear, wedgy someone, and they'll nv look at you in the face again

- it's ok if you have to wait for 2 hours to get ready, but if your're late 2 min. ur screwed

- they freaking think too much (give them a gd night peck, they'll start asking what it ment; for god's sake.. we dun think of anything when we do this!)

- u get walked in while doing somethign wrong, u get called a pervert; walk in on them doing something wrong, u get called a pervert again

- they wear less cloth then a pillow case, and expect you not to stare at them

- they say yes and mean no, say no and mean yes, then u get blamed for not understanding them

- they'll expect you to call them, at 3 in the morning, to hear them rant bout how this girl was such a bitch when the champions league finals is on

(disclaimer)
- if you are a girl and feeling insulted, just rem, a guy would nv be feeling so

many thx to the man of great wisdom...

reorganising the slate

2006-02-06T23:07:00.000+08:00

alright..lets see...the last post was kinda emotional and un-objective, so before starting on the next..i'm gona clear up a few things..i'm not saying guys shouldn't be nice to girls, but we're gona be nice on our own terms..if we feel like being nice, we'll be nice...as for N, despite wat the language and tone might suggest...i do not hate her...i'm just rethinking my image of her...and of her bf...but more importantly her...and yeah...i missed out two bands...

ok..today...monday...after giving the tie to N..i have no tie left, and no money to get myself a new one..borrowed mr sylus' one..not sure if he'll notice i haven't returned it yet..i'm gona have to get some cash to get a new tie one way or anth..and continue with my poverty scheme...a lesson to all...dun go clubbing unless u got loads of cash...even if u dun drink that much..the cab ride back home will leave u dry...unless of course, you drive..that's different altogether..

throat is still irritating me..so training may or may not be much of an option come wednesday...its funny..how i'd train while sick for cap..but not for rugby..i guess i love cap more...those who know me won't find this new or interesting at all...

i did a sketch today..i wana put it up..but i'm not such a genius when it comes to hosting stuff on the web..i'll check it out later...its funny...i can only sketch in a class where i'm reali falling asleep and can't concentrate and have nothing better to do then sleep that i churn out some good drawings...this one is a concept for a comic strip i wana do..but probly won't get to...academics stifle creativity...

ok..let's see...is that all? yeah i tink so...jing! we gota go catch that movie soon! i'm dying here... =p need some entertainment..

here's the pic..i hope...

clean slate

2006-02-05T20:18:00.000+08:00

i have a theory...that all the advertising one has to do to get ppl to look at their blog is just to put the blog add on msn nic and ppl will come visit..so any1 besides myself who is looking at this..well..jus proves my point...those who want a link...tag...thx...

so lets see..clean slate..new life...i will probly delete my old blog soon...it doesn't carry much interesting stuff, cept that one song..and my lesson from engwen..not my last definately..perhaps wen i have the time one day i will blog about that as well...now..what has happened in the recent few days of my life..

lets see..went clubbing last on e 2nd day of CNY..with zheqi, shiwei, jianxuan..and avelyn...she got herself involved...wonder wat's up with that girl...expects everyone to treat her special jus cuz she's a girl or sth...no offence to any ladies out there who agree that you all should be given preferential treatment...i noe alot of girls want or like attention...stuff lidat..but stimes..if we dun feel like giving you a shoulder or carrying your handbag for you...dun push it alright? anyway..clubbing was ok..not extremely fun, but ok..i guess that club jus din play my kinda music (i'm more into samba, salsa, bossa nova for listening pleasure..). club beats are nice..but there's only so much i can take..we left quite early, den someone called...let's call this someone N...

i reali duno wat's up with N either..so many ppl not making sense...wonder if the world is going mad...or maybe its just me...let's see... N is obssessed with this guy...who i may actually sympathise with...they're supposed to be a couple..but things have been..well..reali shaky..from what i noe...huge assumption, but oh well...anyway..N clings to her guy cuz in her 'love' she neglected her other friends and well..according to her( though i believe otherwise) she has no other friends besides him...well.. a girl who is quite obssessed with you can be a living nightmare...this is where i sympathise with him..used to hate him..but not anymore...she can do the most crazy things..waiting for 7hrs outside his house to wana say sorry...and not for something like unfaithfulness..but for hanging up on him during a phone call.. i.e. losing her cool... dude...if your disgusted, i dun blame you...k..so being a friend..i tried to make things better...din reali work out..she got pissed at me..i'm not sure wat for..maybe jus throwing a tie at her or sth in playful manner..i duno...but anyway..part of me doesn't reali care how she is now..i have her video cam..so one day or anth she'll have to talk to me..mayb i'll figure her out den..maybe not..maybe i'll throw the camera back at her..she'd better catch it..

now..wat did i get the camera from her for? oh yes...to make a documentary...i'm planning to film a documentary documenting capoeira in singapore...well..at least adoc...i'm not sure about if the bantus ppl want in...maybe it'll help make relationships better..i duno..bad blood between the two groups...anyway...hopefully i can get the film done in two weeks..plus editing and post it here..assuming i can find a server..and assuming N doesn't want it back urgently...haha..i should be mean and refuse her until i finish the documentary....haha..see how...

went for 'rock for good' yesterday...while everyone else was probly at chingay parade or sth...the suns, west side boulavard, electrico, ronin...were there more? can't remember...nice solos and rifts..but the music isn't reali my type..and lets jus say the eq was terrible...heard from ian that that uncle michael (who is a professional sound guy) din like the dream theatre concert either..it was 'awful', referring to the eq...i guess that's the thing abt live performances..eq sux.... anyway..it was quite scary though...going there..try to get some food and realising that alot of ppl noe who u are..and yet you don't know them...scary...i shall have a talk with my close friends...some of them have probly been talking again...

valentines day is coming..well..screw it i guess...there are only a few girls i would _consider_...and well...let's just say that the whole idea of v-day jus doesn't appeal to me anymore...so dun ask me if i have a date or what not...i'll probly tell you no...

yup..tis the new beginning to my clean slate...